No Options, No Excuses

How could I? How could I love someone like you? I feel so deserted by you. I am no longer I for I was too focused in being you. I can no longer breathe like I used to and all of this smoke has filled up my lungs—I can’t stop coughing uncontrollably. I can’t eve sing or play music like I used to; my fingers are too tired to play my magical flute. Nothing that I do now tastes the same, and the rain is not warm, but chilling to the bone as I let the osteoporosis take over my body.

Nothing that I ever did was like this. Never was I sad for something so small, something so fragile because there were always steeper peaks to fall down from, but somehow the peaks of this one-way love stabbed me in the heart and in the center of my forehead until I felt so much pain that all I could ever do was cry. Right now I still want to cry and I wish I could cry every day because the lion ate the butterfly and left it wingless, so now I can’t fly.

How could I let anyone tatter my wings? They were so beautiful and big and they could take me everywhere across the world, now I cannot even step outside into the pouring sun because all that the light does is burn my eyes and my body until I’m running around screaming for help– I am incendiary. I am a match and I have lit up, flammable as the alcohol that I drink and the substances that I smoke.

Who am I and would you love me if I were anything else? I ask myself that question and I ask the strangers on the street without really asking, because I find it hard to love myself. I can’t even hold down my drink. I don’t need any substance save for the substances consisting of words telling me that it will be alright, that I will be just fine and that one day I will fly again, higher and farther than I ever used to. As I write these words I don’t even know what I am saying and my mind is scampering about in circles, making me dizzier that when the world spins as I’m sitting still. Nothing is making any sense except for the knowledge that I need to make a change; that I have no other option anymore.

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