It’s so sad to be so intelligent yet to not know when to pull back. So disappointing to keep it so still—in many ways, you wish things would change—yet all remains like bones preserved at a dig site. Who would have thought it would be this fucked up to the point where it doesn’t mean anything (what do you represent?) or make any sense (how did this happen?) because it all means too much. I’m puzzled when I look in the mirror and see these brown eyes staring back blankly, but they are oceans of hurt. These eyes are like empty cups that nothing can fill or will dare to try—bottomless like the space between planets. She asked who sees what I write, I told her that I would, and she must pity me. She must think, look at that poor woman who hasn’t learned how to swallow sorrow the way we all have. She doesn’t know that sorrow ebbs out from a mouth that has said all she could only to have it fall on deaf ears. He wants to process, but he doesn’t understand that process is all that I do and so my thoughts change quickly, but I said I wasn’t fickle. Perhaps I lie because that’s what I want to be, intransient. I feel like this world made me to flow with suffocating feelings and with impermanence so I could never believe in a god that would go so deeply against my wishes, who further guides me to dig my grave. Desamparada is the word that captivates the feeling inside my chest, and I wish I could scream it out of my body but if she screams in the middle of the woods and there’s no one left to hear her, did she ever really scream?
Published by hellenbarroso
Many things have inspired me along the way, from the way that atoms interact to universal forces working in tandem to bring joy into my life. I arrived from Cuba at the young age of 6 years old, became a big sister to an exceptional little boy at the age of 13, went off to college as a first-generation college student, earned a Bachelor's degree in Biological Chemistry from Grinnell College. After graduating, I became a high school science teacher with Teach for America and taught for 5 years. While teaching, I earned a Master's of Science in Education and Social Change from the University of Miami and then studied at Florida Institute of Technology and became a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA). Currently I am loving my life as a BCBA where every day I learn new skills applicable in my practice and in my life. View all posts by hellenbarroso