Maybe I get a little antsy when things get tough. I clean my ambiance to refresh my aching muscles, especially the heart. Maybe I just want someone to hold my hand, look into my eyes and tell me that there’s company in the mess—the achy mess.
The fronds rustling in the chilled air and a wolf’s moon gently watches as I inhale and exhale smoke from within my soul and out towards the night sky. She looks down with her red face soon to be eclipsed and a secret nod occurs between us. She is a protector—moon goddess—and I am a loyal servant. In my sensuality I extol rituals in her name as invisible, glittering strings grow from within me and dissipate into energy like the smoke exiting my lungs. Each breath is an intention, each inhale is a collected pool of energy brought further in to my body. The moon wears a red veil and I am naked, barren without need for shrouds. No clouds exist between us now and soon we will become one.
Today I smiled at the thought of deserts consuming entire cities.
It’s not up to you to fix what you did not break. It’s not up to you to chase what does not want to be followed nor to lose your peace for those with no peace in their hearts.
What you’re meant to do is to live well and freely without shackles imposed on you by others. You are meant to cut the threads connecting their words to your head so that you may think truly without their hidden agendas influencing your actions.
You don’t deserve a half-baked innocence.
He thins me, to which my response is a laugh. A woman, looks at me as she overhears and laughs to which I wonder if it is part mockery. No matter, for I still maintain civility. I am small, but as the man said, a thin that will not break. Perhaps I am almost rubber band-like—my body with its refusals to fray as I spread myself out larger than she thought ever possible.
I too was naïve in the way that girls are, feeding into romance novels thinking that things called love could be unconditional. There are always conditions and those that say otherwise are lying. It is based on your genetics, your fundamental beliefs, or your culture. If “love” were truly unconditional then you wouldn’t have endings to beginnings. Terminating great love is never easy, yet compromises cannot be reached always. Some things will “break the camel’s back” as some say, yet I believe that orgullo is behind that saying and many more. It was naïve of me to think that the things I loved someone else would love the same. My little moon, staring out the window. I don’t know if animals are capable of unconditional love, but I know that I will not give reason to doubt. Perhaps my error is in my honesty, it is so blatant that if you don’t peel back the layers you’ll never get to understanding.
Bitterness is in my garden for blood and sweat were not enough to make roses grow out of this dirt. I cut myself wide open and let my waters flow through the rivers of within me, yet dams blocked seeds from saturating and the sun just beat down too damn hard. The leaves in the trees rustled lies, lies, lies and I heard from miles away without ever having to have been in the room. My energy took me to the ocean once again, where I could dip my toes into the salt so that I could build up my reservoir of tears for later on when Cubans cross the ocean in bathtubs in the downpour of the deep dark sky. To me came Mother Mary and she spoke to me to let it be, but my ship has never capsized without a fight and I fought, first myself and then you.
Like Warsan Shire, I dimmed my light and crawled into myself so that I would take up less space, but my mouth couldn’t stay shut and what little space I tried to not occupy, my body rebelled and grew big and full. I hoped that I was enough when I was picked up like the serpent that I am, sharp, poisonous, and headstrong. I was never welcoming to meek mice, for I needed to feed and lick my fangs every time someone uttered hate in my direction. My paralyzing toxins are those that you cannot see and now I am angry because I protected the pack during my time as a wolf, but the vipers still snuck into my snake nest as I transformed.
Have you lost track of time? In moments I will only be a figment of your imagination and you will ask, was she real? The dust particles in the air will hint that I was, as the volcano within my soul erupts one last time to clear the path. I will forget one day: you, me, him, her. See how I put myself second there? That will be the only time.
“I know there are parts of us missing, but we can go slow.” He said to her as if he were drawing a caged animal out. [Hesitance]
Back at the institution students congregated in the evenings to drink and smoke and dance until their sweat left them feeling light. Audible laughter always ensued and some high pitched shrieks of girls flirting with other girls or boys. At that moment they donned their young adult outfits and removed their scholarly masks. One young lady in particular was headed towards the science building where she prepared to undergo a surgical procedure that would make her jumbled up puzzle pieces fit with those of a young man currently undergoing the same process.
They had agreed upon this surgery that would remove all the gory pieces of them that brought struggle and hatred into the hearts of the other. It was some recommendation from a friend that informed the young man that it would solve both of their problems—those of his and his lady—never mind that it was highly experimental. The cogs in their systems just didn’t fit like they initially did. Or maybe they never were oiled enough, so they screeched upon colliding while simultaneously wearing their bones down. Even in surgery they would inflict pain upon one another, yet it felt as if they were inseparable.
Outside the cold, crystal building where machines whirred and white gauze filled their insides, danced their peers. They moved so freely like heated wax upon its combustion through the wick as a medium. The sky was so black and no clouds were seen; yet stars illuminated the wreaths that the girls wore on their heads as they inhaled smoke into their lungs. Her friends danced in circles around each other as they moved through the campus. The sterile waiting rooms were empty in the science building.
His procedure let up first and he waiting in his hall of residence for her to finish hers. The white gauze was stained with red all over the sides of his abdomen and on his arms. His hair was thick and black as he moved his hand around his forehead feeling light-headed and impatient for her. He wanted her.
“He’s in the common bathroom and he told me to let you know you could just go in” his friend told her as she slowly made her way across the gray floors. She was feeling nervous, but she couldn’t feel the butterflies inside her stomach. She was on too many pills that medicated the pain leftover from the procedure. Her head was hazy as she opened the door to the bathroom with her right hand—the non-dominant one.
He saw her and smiled, his body felt hot and he felt at peace that they both made it through the procedure. His loins were on fire as he walked towards her and placed his arms on her waist. A kiss brings forth frothy waves of ecstasy through both their bodies. Now that they both had their guts removed through said surgical procedure, they were able to keep their temper in check and the heat that coursed through their body was different. Their nerves were cinnamon candles burning as lava flowed through their veins. Their hearts thumped as if animals in the wild were stampeding across them. She wanted him too, and badly. He turned the water for the shower on and slowly took off the laces of her shirt. She carefully pulled his over his chest and head, exposing his healing body. Their procedures extended to the most secretive of body pieces.
“I know there are parts of us missing, but we can go slow.” He said to her as if he were drawing a caged animal out. [Hesitance] Their naked bodies firmly touched, the hormones swimming through their bodies hid the pain. She was afraid the stitches would all come out and that they’d bathe each other in blood. A silky feeling went through their united souls as they penetrated each other’s fears and desires with the reality of what they had just done. Euphoria was a tingling sensation they experienced together upon release.
They separated with the reality that taking out parts of themselves to fill each other up with those of the other was their satisfaction. Outside underneath the evening sky the young men and young ladies moved in tandem, individually whole.
We’ve got something that they don’t
And its in the way we trrrrrill,
Our tongues, tastefully like our sweet and viscous honey dishes.
Our mouths forever speaking caramel candies, pirulí, that you wish you could stomach.
They’ve called us exotic, well we think you are
Strange, in the way you never learned how to purrrrr,
And in how you pervade language so beautiful with drawling accents
Into our Spanish-Indigenous-African words without accrediting the luscious lips that spoke them first.
Mud water is your game while we exfoliate our thick skins with salt
From oceans and lakes that rrrrrripple in waves,
Blanketing our shores in nutrient crystals imbued within
The lands you stomped your muddy feet onto because you’ve always known your selfishness was never enough.
So you tried to steal our gifts and found that you could never stomach such quality beings. Because we are made in all colors of the rainbow and in the ancestral darkness that within illuminated secrets rrrrrelished by humankind. With your malicious intent you excluded yourself from the only race that ever existed and I can’t even call you extraterrestrial. It’s not about “us versus them”, but I’m showing you what its like to appropriate your language like you did mine.