Close each open space that you left open and conceal that which was exposed at one time or another. May the only parts that remain permeable be small and far between. Certainly try to remember where all the places that closed have been.
She said “fuck it” none of it is worth it
This feeling of insufficiency in you and you and them
She said “sleep it off”
Addictions are better left
To be treated in the bright mornings
When the candor of the sun sings its light
Into your eyes, enkindling your vision
With flames of truths that have been burning around your body.
Everything is heightened as if this cold front brought things into perspective. There’s a sinking feeling in my stomach when in the past there would be exhilaration, perhaps it’s all the pills getting me down and interacting in some way that deviates from the norm like a statistical significance. There is the dark and there is the light and sometimes one takes over the other as if to give the other the rest it requires to return more strongly. There can’t be much like whittling away the pieces layers to leave space for the art underneath created by steady hands. At times all is not well and she will be difficult. Terse words should be enough to express the extent of the depths within. Maybe I’m less patient because I don’t feel well and I’m a bit unhealthy or maybe it’s because I’m tired of being the repetitive waves crashing against the shore to soak tiny pieces of sand created artificially. Be dark, unflinching, tense, and done if you need to be. She will be.
Finally satiated with the sweet wine of your vineyards, I sleep well tonight for yesterday I was vividly aware of the walls around me and the flesh on my bones. Today I just needed to escape the cage that is my body into an oblivion of desire.
Such a laboring thought, to know that all you can do is wait. It’s almost as if your chest were a wet towel wrung dry many times and now the threads are jagged and frayed. I’m looking forward to opening my hands and letting it all go.
Lo que quedó
No entiendes que lo que mas mata es el no querer. El no quiero responder, el no quiero reconocer, no quiero ver la verdad. El no quiero persistir en conversaciones desfavorables, no quiero dejarte saber los pensamientos que existen en mi. No notas que el no querer me causa animosidad, desafío, y el desvanecimiento de sentimientos que he trabajado diligentemente para construir dentro de mi. Aquí dentro existe un vacío que no llenas, una puerta cerrada, y un vaivén de colores oscuros cuando tus palabras son insignificantes. Eso no significa que no valoro, que no entiendo, que no quiero. Eso solo significa que no permaneceré una instalación de constelaciones dentro de tus memorias.
Darle saludos al espacio que pronto será lo único que te quedará de mi.
You do not understand that what kills most is not wanting to. The not wanting to answer, the I do not want to admit, I do not want to see the truth. I do not want to persist in unfavorable conversations, I do not want to let you know the thoughts that exist in me. You do not notice that not wanting causes animosity, defiance, and the fading of feelings that I have worked diligently to build within me. Here inside there is a void that you do not fill, a closed door, and a sway of dark colors when your words are insignificant. That does not mean that I do not value, that I do not understand, that I do not want to. That just means that I will not remain a fixture of constellations inside your memories.
Greet the space that will soon be the only thing you’ll have left of me.