They look at you, knowing you, giving you the space to grow. They let you explore all the different terrains that intrigue you, all the while knowing that their home is the one you’ll return to. The focus is on the long game and the creation of a nation between your two warrior tribes—you two against the world. The story is in their eyes as they look at you knowingly and they recognize that you are thine.
I wanted to trust, but I have been dishonest and now I take the good and turn it bad. My friend is compassionate, checks in regularly, makes sure I am well in spirit. Perhaps that is what breeds love, but I have already destroyed love in our past. I hoped I could be larger than I am so that I would be worthy of feelings they send, but to this day I guard secrets, and tell truths disguised in jokes that are shrugged off in innocent beliefs of my stability.
I don’t take drastic measures, they must seem that way. I only take measures to reach what I hope to achieve. Last year I learned when I should cut back the ill growth of this fragrant rose bush that I am trying to cultivate. I have already learned this year when to let go of leaves that are meant to fall. For the greater good, I make choices because there is no point in holding on to thinly dangling foliage. I have also been in the process of learning how to fertilize and in learning when it is necessary to cut back excessive growth–My roots dig in deeper into this rich soil. It is all love in this horizon; it’s just that love sometimes might hurt a little in some places. I hope I have the willpower to heed the words of the wise and the courage to stand alone as I cultivate this Golden Celebration.
I’ve got 15 questions.
14 Ways to tell a lie with 13 minutes left to go in which I wait 12 hours to receive a response.
Where have you been and where are you going? This is because you’re certainly not here with me.
It feels as if 10 years of friendship are a child’s story, full of hope and naivety.
Why haven’t you messaged or called yet?
There are 9 truths that you keep behind your lips with 8 tales and 7 countries but none revolve around me.
When will you come back so that you can see me? I’ll miss you for 6 months in which you’ll be unattainable. There will be six months and much over 5 times in which I’ll remind you that I still love you.
Do you still love me too, my old friend?
In 4 fingers of my hand I can count the hours left to which I’ll have more dreams about you.
There are 3 words that will convey my sentiments towards you. There will always be 2 variations of those three words because they run on the same spectrum.
Did you know that the opposite was indifference?
There is 1 fly that sends wails into my ear like the long dead hopes that I housed with your name.
Did you know that I miss you dearly?
Have you been thinking of me?
Are you doing well, are you safe?
Does your heart still hurt?
Do you know that I feel exhausted?
Did you forget that I have little patience?
Can you feel my spirit trying to touch yours at night?
Are you as alone in bed as am I?
Will you be back soon?
Did you read these fifteen questions?
Refusing to make a specialty cake a repetition of history in which negativity ran in wild designs, she mixed the ingredients. For the sweetest cake ever, she indulged in pleasant moments replete with glitter and samba and words dedicated to intrigue a fresh mind. Twenty-two scenarios in which the making of the cake would fail, some included an almost car crash due to a drunk driver–because they had to be drunk or too idiotic to run the red light–others included deadlock communications of bridges burned with little to no regret. Still, she mixed her eggs, she mixed the sugar with butter to prepare frosting that once added would perfect this culinary experiment. A little bit of ice scream would serve to cool bruises of past lovers and “family members” that refused to see how their manipulation and lack of love beat up the chef. Regardless, this birthday cake formulation was prepared in hopes of focusing on the twenty-two blessings given. The quick reflexes that evaded a crash, the certainty that follows a situation in which putting oneself first ensued. Family is not always in the blood, the two aren’t even mutually exclusive. The blessings are in the shoes that mom bought so that the cut on the back of my ankle would not be irritated because she knew that I deserved the opportunity to purchase ingredients that would synthesize the best cake in the history of Betty Crocker. The blessings are in the trust placed in the chef and the never-ending waterfalls of love that friends and family helped run through the crevices of this cake. Ultimately, the greatest blessing occurs in knowing that like this cake, within my chef soul, I am the harbinger of a masterpiece that holistically encapsulates the wonder, wisdom, and unity of each ingredient and scenario created into my soul. I can bake my cake and eat it too.
A lot can happen in four years. We can leave all we know to explore a lifestyle impractical where we come from. We make new friends who leave a lasting mark on our minds. We fall in and out of love. Life becomes a crisis and a blessing and we move on. When we near the end of this journey we know that a new one waits. In four years I have learned that I am human and not a goddess. I have delved in the world of the spirits to learn things that I’ve never been taught by another. I have distracted my broken heart and mended it and fallen in love with new moments.
With only two months left I realize that four years is as short as four seconds. I can see it in my minds eye: during sleep, when I walk towards a destination, and when I see a face I used to live for. What’s coming after, I cannot exactly say. I know that these memories will stay with me until I am burned or buried or underneath the sea. Looking back on four years I realize that life is about goodbyes because that means that at some point there were hellos said and moments created.
We can create and manipulate time. We live in the memories that plague or please us and in the present there is still the past. I learned that time is not linear, that love is not eternal, that flames will always burn even when they’re stomped out. Flames can burn in new ways without the characteristics that we make for them. We metamorphosed as the winds changed and as we were told that it was over or different or new. With every experience we became unique individuals who viewed the world in ways that become farther from the truth of the rest, but in ways that were equally realistic all the same.
They said we couldn’t move mountains and that we needed to learn where our abilities stopped. We screamed back that mountains were just a figment of our imagination, but some of us climbed these structures and threw ourselves off. I learned that friendship can last a lifetime and that believing in people could be ephemeral—and most importantly that it was okay. We learned to swim against the current, but some of us fell into tandem with what we were told by friends or mentors without asking any questions. Luckily, time is not linear like people and we can break the rhythms and create asymmetries or we can fall in line. Four years is as short as four seconds.