You had your drink and I had my things and together it made for turmoil. I was so tired and you full of desire that there was little left to show. Some god must have known how to have thrown in the towel as we sat patiently waiting. Then life caught up and anger welled as we were fraught with tension.
There were little things to hate here and there, yet nothing could equate to the frustrating fares of this life. I only remember hating the drinks and you being done with my things until the next morning.
I guess I’ll write to see if I can evoke the thoughts within my heavy head and chest. I guess I’ll see if the world isn’t too dark to face in this tired state of mind. My love is heavy and my eyes are hot and damn it’s hard when the past is dredged up. It’s one of those moments where everything triggers and I just want to move to Portugal. But fuck I learned to love and now I’m scared of what is coming around. I don’t really pray but if I did I’d ask for another day, another dollar but only if I keep the same lover and if he’d know what it’s like to be sad that it wouldn’t be penetrating deep like it does to my core. Will tomorrow be a Brand New day that I can face as I open my windows to let in the sky and a mosquito or too? I guess I’d pray for forgiveness for all of the times that I wasn’t enough and that I decided to give up instead of move onwards into the day that tomorrow could be. It’s a pandemic, really, the way things end up with slight infection catching on and infesting the tendrils leading to the veins coming out of your heart (is that right?). It hurts me to hurt you but fuck am I sad sitting on my bathroom floor under the burning water. Maybe I’ll feel something.
I just didn’t mind the aching muscles and tired temples right before the dawn. I wanted to explore new territory and to challenge myself and those around me to be a little nicer. Then extraneous variables somehow seeped into the mix and turned a yellow morning into a cloudy, yet boiling afternoon. I wanted to stand up for myself then—stand on a mountain and let my voice echo my truths and experiences in dealing with angry faces and curdled lips because their voices were acrid and their chests were a graveyard of worms because even they could not get nutrition from that rancor. Who knows? Perhaps I still will let my words crash into their ears like heavy waves against the cliffs, deafening all else.
I have a graveyard of bones to pick with life because it’s starting to feel as if it’s giving it all to death. Life feels as if it were surrendering too easily to the death of love, death of joy, death of feeling, and death of hope. So I ask pleadingly, “Life, why are you cultivating so much death?” What if we just cultivated the soil a little more to bring forth healthier trees with full fruits for the little beings that could scamper about and grow the forest bigger? What if the path were clearer, a bit more manageable, for frail souls and bodies? What if in the place of battlefields we erected symbols immortalizing all of Life’s warmest qualities? Now I know that in life there must be room for death, but must it be this large?
An outsider looks in, but can never approach and all investments made fall by the wayside as they remain outside. The outsider is left with their pain to bear in loneliness as their heart sinks with heaviness. May you never be an outsider looking in so that your light may never dim.
Disclaimer: This one gets a little dark.
So jaded and hated as you break down into all the junk of life creating excess trash and depression with a road paved with bad intentions. Nothing you do is enough for anything and that’s because you’re less than a person in society’s eyes. The worst is what belongs to you for that is all that you are given in this putrid and debasing world. Who knew you could become so dark in a matter of seconds, but hey, no one is enough anymore so it makes sense that you decompose into fragments of dust littering the walls, surfaces, and polluting the water. You are now less than human in a world that bred you for consumption. As for me, I hope they enjoy their meal, for the secret ingredient is to DIE for.
Today I smiled at the thought of deserts consuming entire cities.
It’s not up to you to fix what you did not break. It’s not up to you to chase what does not want to be followed nor to lose your peace for those with no peace in their hearts.
What you’re meant to do is to live well and freely without shackles imposed on you by others. You are meant to cut the threads connecting their words to your head so that you may think truly without their hidden agendas influencing your actions.
You don’t deserve a half-baked innocence.
Limits superimposed like the eerie look of clock hands one below the other. Each heavy breath taken is a large wave pushing you under and weren’t breaths supposed to mean that you were living? You know that feeling you get when you’re in a meadow, but can’t remember the way you came in and now you fear trying to exit because you ran out of food and water and you’re also injured. It feels like I’m fanning myself with a broken fan on a hot day, its accordion-like paper frayed.
Sometimes you feel trapped and telling others doesn’t do much for you because they are also trapped in their own glass jars like spoiling jam left on an abandoned counter in an abandoned house. Perhaps in order to rise you need to burn down your home so you are left with no choice, no comfort, only the will to survive. Do you understand self-destruction now?
I too was naïve in the way that girls are, feeding into romance novels thinking that things called love could be unconditional. There are always conditions and those that say otherwise are lying. It is based on your genetics, your fundamental beliefs, or your culture. If “love” were truly unconditional then you wouldn’t have endings to beginnings. Terminating great love is never easy, yet compromises cannot be reached always. Some things will “break the camel’s back” as some say, yet I believe that orgullo is behind that saying and many more. It was naïve of me to think that the things I loved someone else would love the same. My little moon, staring out the window. I don’t know if animals are capable of unconditional love, but I know that I will not give reason to doubt. Perhaps my error is in my honesty, it is so blatant that if you don’t peel back the layers you’ll never get to understanding.
Bitterness is in my garden for blood and sweat were not enough to make roses grow out of this dirt. I cut myself wide open and let my waters flow through the rivers of within me, yet dams blocked seeds from saturating and the sun just beat down too damn hard. The leaves in the trees rustled lies, lies, lies and I heard from miles away without ever having to have been in the room. My energy took me to the ocean once again, where I could dip my toes into the salt so that I could build up my reservoir of tears for later on when Cubans cross the ocean in bathtubs in the downpour of the deep dark sky. To me came Mother Mary and she spoke to me to let it be, but my ship has never capsized without a fight and I fought, first myself and then you.
Like Warsan Shire, I dimmed my light and crawled into myself so that I would take up less space, but my mouth couldn’t stay shut and what little space I tried to not occupy, my body rebelled and grew big and full. I hoped that I was enough when I was picked up like the serpent that I am, sharp, poisonous, and headstrong. I was never welcoming to meek mice, for I needed to feed and lick my fangs every time someone uttered hate in my direction. My paralyzing toxins are those that you cannot see and now I am angry because I protected the pack during my time as a wolf, but the vipers still snuck into my snake nest as I transformed.
Have you lost track of time? In moments I will only be a figment of your imagination and you will ask, was she real? The dust particles in the air will hint that I was, as the volcano within my soul erupts one last time to clear the path. I will forget one day: you, me, him, her. See how I put myself second there? That will be the only time.
The sky is so spacious, open, and elegant. Brightly lit nights are chandeliers in the shape of water droplets. When I close my eyes I see those skies more frequently than not. Sometimes, eyelids shut and instead there are flashes and pulses of red and white lights dimming out and fading within my head. There are nights that make me seek anything to drug my mind to keep me calm because too often my skies will quiver and I’ll run towards the gates of Hades so that he may hold me close with his fiery arms.
“Got nobody on my mind, go and search my thoughts
Only you on my riverbanks.” –Made in Heights
The contents of my body wish to leak out, but major cleanses are too recent and instead my stubborn body holds on.
Like every chance re-given was a mistake waiting to happen yet I sought to hug your waves of kindness and I had to die with your waves of sadness. A tree giving fruit before reaching maturity symbolized…
How did we get stuck with this pessimistic view of our loved ones that we kindled hatred in our hearts from frustration and anger mixed with moments of pure joy? How did I become so cynical that I could ever combine parts of me with another? I am afraid to become an empty vase open to the elements of nature, ready to be filled with anything. I fear the opening of my body that is there by the design of an artist that decided I could never be whole.
Sometimes you create the perfect conditions for lightning reverberating in my night skies as I lose my head once again. Atoms crash onto one another violently and scatter randomly as the clouds of my hands try to keep the bands of light apart but only incentivize the production of deadly fireworks. You make perfect conditions for inclement weather.