You had your drink and I had my things and together it made for turmoil. I was so tired and you full of desire that there was little left to show. Some god must have known how to have thrown in the towel as we sat patiently waiting. Then life caught up and anger welled as we were fraught with tension.
There were little things to hate here and there, yet nothing could equate to the frustrating fares of this life. I only remember hating the drinks and you being done with my things until the next morning.
At times there’s pain—an unheard cry for help or heard, but not understood. Sometimes it’s a winding path that takes you in loops until it’s as if there’s not beginning and no end. The air is thinning, through time the world takes you spinning in a dizzying carousel.
Your crippling depression brings all of those around you to their knees and so you’ve turned to holding the whip of superficiality and now that’s all that you live for. You know this is about you and yet you pretend to misunderstand and you believe yourself above the clouds, immaculate because of your strife. In your eyes, you were dealt a lot in life that should have never been dealt to you and sure, you’ve been kind… to those outside of your circle—those who are appeased like fickle gods by vanity. I hope you know that you were needed, but somehow those that needed you earned a lesser value than those that emotionally obscured you, emotionally abused you. I also needed you once, but now I realize that I don’t need much at all and I guess I’ll keep living my life because I cannot stand to wait for your affection. Perhaps we’ll never form a deep connection and on our deathbeds will lie unfinished business, but I guess that’s the price to pay for broken families.
I guess I’ll write to see if I can evoke the thoughts within my heavy head and chest. I guess I’ll see if the world isn’t too dark to face in this tired state of mind. My love is heavy and my eyes are hot and damn it’s hard when the past is dredged up. It’s one of those moments where everything triggers and I just want to move to Portugal. But fuck I learned to love and now I’m scared of what is coming around. I don’t really pray but if I did I’d ask for another day, another dollar but only if I keep the same lover and if he’d know what it’s like to be sad that it wouldn’t be penetrating deep like it does to my core. Will tomorrow be a Brand New day that I can face as I open my windows to let in the sky and a mosquito or too? I guess I’d pray for forgiveness for all of the times that I wasn’t enough and that I decided to give up instead of move onwards into the day that tomorrow could be. It’s a pandemic, really, the way things end up with slight infection catching on and infesting the tendrils leading to the veins coming out of your heart (is that right?). It hurts me to hurt you but fuck am I sad sitting on my bathroom floor under the burning water. Maybe I’ll feel something.
It was the first day of limited conversation and prophetic longing. The first day at the bed laying in emptiness and hidden worlds of turmoil. It was the 21st day of the year that felt like the last paragraph at the end of a book’s chapter that released its reader on a sad note. It was cold in this room, an iciness in the Florida weather and my daughters of the moon kept their own company. But you see, here I lay thinking of my days and heart shrinking.
There is strength in knowing that you’ve traveled far and true in the realms of what it means to be a human in hurt. There’s a certain relief at the resignation of knowing that the Earth will continue to orbit around a sun that has yet to burn out for eons to come. There is purity in knowing that the wind can quell your sorrows and place your anxieties to sleep if you give it that power. There is a cleansing in cold rain drenching your clothes in a downpour if you lend your muscles to the power of nature so that they may relax. No matter what tribulations you journey through remember that your heart is still beating with the hum of the Earth and your breath inundates your lungs like a transparent and active ocean.
Lately I have learned about the duality of life. I met this
magnificent young woman today that was capable of so much, but the world around
her did not understand her lived experience. I learned of the importance of
being kind when people around you are not and it’s not necessarily because turning
the other cheek is ethical, but rather because some people’s unkindness doesn’t
quite stem from a place of hatred or prejudice and instead stems from personal insecurities.
People have been teaching me that they are so much more than a vessel for the
mind, they are a reflection of the world and I am learning to take them as they
are even when sometimes it hurts. I have also learned about myself and my own
patterns of behavior when dealing with sadness: I tend to overcompensate in the
settings outside of where my sadness originated by overexerting myself and
doing all that I can to be the embodiment of joy. I think it has to do with my
own pain manifesting itself in an outlet that tries to push the pain out of others
and bring forth a smile, a laugh, or some type of positive energy. This is when
people believe I am the happiest, but in truth, it’s when I am at the lowest
state because I will do anything that I can to get higher and so I seem
relentless, perhaps even childlike in my passionate demeanor. So yes, lately I
am learning about the duality of life and how the good comes with the bad so
that when I am down, I can propel myself back upwards.
We all want to feel the peace, but never the chaos, but without chaos we would have no evolution.
So learn a little bit about both ends of the spectrum of life and somewhere within all that you’ll learn how to take it in stride.
Sweetheart, I’m tired. It feels as if I can only go down under from here. So take me to these depths and lay me down to rest so that maybe soon enough I’ll grow again. I hope my soul returns in leaves and hearty stems leading into blooms. Just don’t be shocked if I leave soon.
Don’t think of me as a sad memory, but see me on the days I danced gleefully. Laugh of joy in my memory and pray to the flowers in my place. These things you can’t escape, you can only embrace.
It would have meant to me
A universe to take you to
The strangest places
Where trees grow tall,
Water fowl wade and
Fly so high through their shade.
Had I been a more
I would have known
This wouldn’t last forever.