Sometimes it’s about taking that step back when it all seems so fast and perhaps it’s about refusing to move forward when there’s ill-will on the road. Yet many times I find myself in a saddened stupor and how do I get out? And at times when all looks to be white roses it’s truly bones and snow and something must budge before the road gets trampled with escape.
When the tree gets it’s limbs cut off, it grows new ones in different places. That tells you two things: 1) it continued to grow after facing adversity and 2) it learned from the experience enough to grow in new ways.
The trees with their stressed limbs still stretched towards the sky in taut poses knowing that if they keep looking up, they’ll keep growing strong. I sat and quietly observed as they kept course as the wind swayed them side to side as it tested their resilience. Still they grew.
Remind yourself that there is nowhere else to go in this great big universe. Armor yourself with the color of hope and stare into the expansive night. You are full of light, sparkling in the distance like the stars you gaze upon.
I love all that glistens in the flicker of light and reflection. Each unfocused point a bokeh effect on perceptive eyes. Each blur a breath that catches in your throat, leaving you unsure if to inhale or to release. May all glisten at just the right peaks and crests and in each day may this magic bring attention to all that truly matters.
Your crippling depression brings all of those around you to their knees and so you’ve turned to holding the whip of superficiality and now that’s all that you live for. You know this is about you and yet you pretend to misunderstand and you believe yourself above the clouds, immaculate because of your strife. In your eyes, you were dealt a lot in life that should have never been dealt to you and sure, you’ve been kind… to those outside of your circle—those who are appeased like fickle gods by vanity. I hope you know that you were needed, but somehow those that needed you earned a lesser value than those that emotionally obscured you, emotionally abused you. I also needed you once, but now I realize that I don’t need much at all and I guess I’ll keep living my life because I cannot stand to wait for your affection. Perhaps we’ll never form a deep connection and on our deathbeds will lie unfinished business, but I guess that’s the price to pay for broken families.
… And yet I love to hear you sing because when your voice rings through the air, your honest soul reverberates and the strength of your heart resonates and I can’t help but look into those green eyes and feel the clarity of a light beam through the foliage in a tropical rainforest.
I guess I’ll write to see if I can evoke the thoughts within my heavy head and chest. I guess I’ll see if the world isn’t too dark to face in this tired state of mind. My love is heavy and my eyes are hot and damn it’s hard when the past is dredged up. It’s one of those moments where everything triggers and I just want to move to Portugal. But fuck I learned to love and now I’m scared of what is coming around. I don’t really pray but if I did I’d ask for another day, another dollar but only if I keep the same lover and if he’d know what it’s like to be sad that it wouldn’t be penetrating deep like it does to my core. Will tomorrow be a Brand New day that I can face as I open my windows to let in the sky and a mosquito or too? I guess I’d pray for forgiveness for all of the times that I wasn’t enough and that I decided to give up instead of move onwards into the day that tomorrow could be. It’s a pandemic, really, the way things end up with slight infection catching on and infesting the tendrils leading to the veins coming out of your heart (is that right?). It hurts me to hurt you but fuck am I sad sitting on my bathroom floor under the burning water. Maybe I’ll feel something.
I have loved you without thought of what would come and where we would arrive after all of these years. I remember missing you when you were away and again when it was my turn to leave. I waited for you without knowing that one day you would return and we would seek one another out on the darkest of nights and the longest of days. Now we spend hours cuddled up on ruffled bedsheets and we spend moments on adventures ranging from breathing moments to capturing memories in pixels and thoughts. I am grateful to be able to hold you and to look at your light eyes scanning my soul. I have never wanted such strong hands running their fingers through my hair the way I crave yours. I will write you a thousand love letters with my intentions and you will take me in for who I am and I will lie next to you and thank the heavens for your company.